What Attributes Do You Look For In A Mate

Perhaps the reason there is so much divorce in this country is related to how men and women choose each other.  The other day I was in a conversation with several women and one man.  The conversation had moved to relationships and the man ask:

“What kind of attributes do you ladies look for in a mate?  Good looks, personality, money?  Please be honest”

Well the women began to to answer and here are just some of the responses:

“I would choose an average looking man who can protect me”

“If I had a choice, I would pick personality as the most important.”

“Personality is very important, money not so much but he has to be a hard worker, I have no respect for a lazy man”

“I want a guy that will turn my head in the looks department, can make me laugh, have integrity, make a good living with a fantastic personality”

“A sense of humor is a must, guess that is personality”

The comments went on from there but it seemed the most popular attribute wanted in a mate was personality.  After a bit the group looked to me and said I had been quite, what did I think the most important attributes in a mate were.

My answer was this:

“First and foremost he must be a Christian, a man who has a true love and intimate relationship with Christ.  From there and something that would naturally be reflected and flow from being a Christian, he would be honest,  have ethics & integrity.  He would be faithful and dedicated to our relationship.  He doesn’t have to have money but should be a hard worker able to manage money and not be in debt.  He would be gentle, never abusive in any way be it emotionally, verbally or physically.  He would be a good communicator, and listener,  focused on things in life that really matter.”

The group began to laugh and collectively agreed no man has all that.  That is when I mentioned that every one of us in this conversation was divorced and ask why they all thought that was?

The answers were like this:

Oddly when we were first married we went to church all the time, but then my husband got a promotion at work, started working long hours.  We stopped going to church, stopped talking, he had an affair with a lady he works with that is why we are divorced”

“Yeah, me too my husband had multiple affairs until I finally said no more and I divorced him.  We started out right but some how got distracted.”

“When my husband and I got married we both admired each other so much, I really respected him.  We got into a lot of debt, he lost his job. He started doing odd jobs and ended up having an affair.  He told me about it, asked for forgiveness and wanted to start a new, find a church and rebuild our relationship, but I couldn’t forgive him and divorce him.”

So after hearing that for the most part these marriages ended due affairs, I ask but what do you think was the root cause of the marriage failing?  Again, the fingers pointed to affairs.

Yes, these marriages ended with affairs, but could the root cause have been that the focus of the marriage was no longer centered around Christ?  The majority agreed, that when they were attending church and praying together the marriage seems healthy but with life started to happen and they got “too busy” to pray together or go to church that is when things started to take a downward spiral.

So I asked, why then did you all laugh at me when I said the most important attribute for me in a mate was a man who was a true Christian who had a real relationship with Christ.  The answer was shocking….

“Because no body really has a real relationship in Christ”

Wow!  Really? Is that what this world has come to?  That the preferred attributes in a mate has been downgraded to “personality” because there are so few individuals who have a real relationship with Christ?  Perhaps this is why the family units are falling apart.

Sadly, when any of us lower our standards in mate attributes and totally take Christ out of the mix, there is NO way a relationship will last.  I know my marriage didn’t last due to the center focus not being on Christ and I am not ashamed of stating what my primary attribute in a mate is.  I will not compromise Christ in any relationship ever again!